A quote I have, sitting on my desk, haunts me....
"Life isn't about finding yourself... Life is about creating yourself..."
So.... I have decided to live by a Golden Rule to do three nice things for myself each day. To create a fabulous new me..... My intention was to give myself a "gold star" for each thing I did for myself each day.... I began to use this 'gold star' system to give myself kudos for a two-mile walk, for meditating, for connecting with a friend, etc.
It only took 11 days, however, for my stars to shine dimly next to entries like: flossed, paid bills, ate vegetables.
Why is it that we don't take the time to be good to ourselves and then wonder why others aren't good to us?? If we don't believe we deserve goodness, then why would others believe it?
I recently attended an Alanon meeting where I heard the definition of insanity - doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Well, it's official - I'm insane.
I'm on a sort of toxic roller coaster relationship ride and have been for three, four years now. Like one of those old coasters built out of wood in the sixties. Maintenance has been sporadic and left for far too long, but the ride is familiar, and with familiarity comes comfort and the memory that it used to be a good ride, despite what it might be now.
How is it that we can sort through our memories and only retain the good ones regarding relationships?
I remember being a child.... the beauty and innocence of a little girl who loves herself, unconditionally. Who knows what she wants and how she wants to be treated. When she wanted attention, she demanded it! When she needed time alone, she took it.
Where does this go???
Does it change when we refuse the brussel sprouts and we're made to eat them anyway? When we're told we have to color inside the lines?
Where is the transition to not feeling worthy of all that you want, all that you deserve... and become what others expect of you? When do the lines blur and we lose ourselves completely? At what point do we settle?
I'm going to create a NEW self... or perhaps an old self...... I want to return to a childlike mentality in all my relationships. If Billy throws dirt in my face, I want to stalk away with my pudgy arms folded, telling him I won't be his friend because he's mean - and then just STOP, cold turkey, being his friend! I'm going to hang out with the friends who help me up, and wipe the dirt from my sleeves... with the friends who laugh at my jokes and trades me ho-ho's for my granola bars....
I am going to spend more of my time and energy on creating myself... my authentic self...and not be so concerned about what others think. I'm going to become my own best friend and treasure the people I find along the way who love me just the way I am!